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Lip Sync-Gate 2017

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Enemy ears are listening.

I can’t reveal too much information, but know this: It goes deeper.

We are standing in the midst of a conspiracy that will shake the foundation of the beloved Lip Sync. On the surface, this seems like the average group of winners. Chinese took third, AP Spanish followed in second, and the winners were Mrs. Walter and Mrs. O’Leary. I was even recognized. However, after looking at the judges, something stuck out to me. There was a considerable amount of connections to the Chinese class on the panel. My anonymous source, Byrnes Berglund (also a judge), confirmed my suspicions. Searching through the Region 18 teacher directory, I stumbled upon the first leak in their operation: Mr. Wang. A simple walk to the language department will show that Mr. Wang teaches Chinese for multiple levels.

This seemed to be a conflict of interest, but I knew there was more to the story. I followed a second anonymous source, also Byrnes Berglund, who revealed another conflict: Jacob Olson. Not only is Jacob Olson the treasurer of the Class of 2017, he is also president of, get this, the Chinese club. That’s two out of five judges, but it wasn’t enough to swing the act into a winning position. They needed at least one more rigged judge to guarantee a trophy.  My main source of information, who I will refer to as Deep Pockets and is also Byrnes Berglund, put me on the path to discover that four, not three, of the five judges have connections to the Chinese class. The third was Abigail Zelmanow. Deep Byrnes Pockets Berglund disclosed to me that she is indeed a member of the class as well as an ally of many participants in the act. Then, I realized something when searching through the records of all judges.

Mrs. Manfredi was the head of the language department.

How do we have four judges all tied to the Chinese class? It isn’t simple, but it goes deeper. I knew that there was someone pulling the strings. I didn’t know where to go, until I looked at the fine print on one of my award balloons.

“Made in China.”

I asked Byrnes to confirm one final hunch: Was the Chinese government involved? Yes, yes it was.

I cannot confirm or deny that the following is true because Byrnes isn’t texting back right now. However, it is well known that China’s film audience is growing rapidly. Many American movies will include China in some way for extra earnings from the overseas box office. But, do Chinese films fare as well in the United States? No, not nearly as well. So, if China wants to take control of our box office, they will need to gain some exposure. They’ll need to plant a seed. Apples have seeds. The song performed by the Chinese class translates to “My Little Apple.” What’s more? The duo who made the song, The Chopstick Brothers, have made movies before! Think about it, exposing impressionable students to something new will make them want to learn more. They will look into the Chopstick Brothers, see the movies the duo has made, and then, now that they’ve been inundated with knowledge of what Chinese cinema has to offer, they will choose to forego the newest Transformers movie for a Chinese import.

Where most conspiracies go wrong is that they often try to include common sense, but this isn’t about common sense. This is clearly the Chinese government’s attempt to widen American exposure to their media, boosting the likeliness that we choose to view a foreign film over a Hollywood blockbuster. It was a near-perfect plan, except for one small mistake.

They didn’t consider the boy band.

The group consisting of Mr. Eckhart, Mr. Zubek, Mr. Kaczor, and Mr. D’Aquila was one of the show’s highlights for many of the attendants. They were, however, not recognized. Just as with the Watergate scandal, it only took one tiny mistake for the whole story to unravel.

Or maybe the judges just liked the act, who knows?

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The student news site of Lyme-Old Lyme High School
Lip Sync-Gate 2017