Woman Out of Work When Species She Studies Goes Extinct


“I never considered this when I chose my line of work,” says Harriet O’Connor, a former animal behaviorist in Denver, Colorado. “I mean, wow. This really took a turn for the worst.”

O’Connor was studying the Great Purple Cabbage Monster Lizard indigenous to Madagascar, but the Monster Lizard went extinct due to the deforestation of its natural habitat. It was wiped out about three months ago, but O’Connor had been handing in fake data to her boss.

“I don’t think he was actually looking at those. I mean, I made it into a game. I would write obscure things on the charts. A month after the Great Purple Cabbage Monster Lizard went extinct, I wrote that it had found a new way to get to Mars. It was a fun time,” she said. She then showed us all the charts written after August. They ranged anywhere from “wrote the Greek alphabet fifty times,” to “switched out own blood for low-fat milk with little assistance.”

Dr. O’Connor was trying to investigate the difference between lizard blood and human blood. She determined that the blood of the Great Purple Cabbage Monster Lizard is not the same as a human’s blood. She was trying to find what makes these two different species so different, but the last lizard, Gerard, sadly passed away.

“I guess we’ll never know if that lizard’s blood really was just flavored water,” O’Connor noted.

A recent survey showed that 0% of all qualified zoologists thought the lizard’s blood was flavored water. However, nearly 60% of all unqualified zoologists believe Dr. O’Connor’s theory.

When questioned about what she would study next, O’Connor broke down and curled into a ball on the floor, saying that she would never get another job because lizards were all she knew. She may go into teaching about lizards in the future. A memorial service will be held on Saturday, December 1 at the Great Purple Cabbage Monster Lizard Sanctuary in Boulder, Colorado for Gerard. All that would like to come are welcome.