Reasons Why LOLHS is Fake.

December 20, 2017


We may call ourselves a “high school,” but I think we all know this is false. We are fake. And here is why:

1- We sell Coconut Water.

Coconut water. I’m not sure if there is anything more bougie than coconut water. Have you ever heard of a high school selling coconut water? No. Why do we sell it, then? Because we are fake.

2- We have our own brand of bottled water.

Yes, that is correct- we spend our money on “Wildcat Water.” Apparently, SmartWater and Dasani was not enough for our (fake) school. No, we needed our own brand of water.

3- We don’t have pep rallies

No, I am not referencing the recent Bee-catastrophe that cancelled our one and only pep rally for the first half of the school year. Instead, I am referencing the very fact that we only have one pep rally for each half of the school year. We don’t have pep rallies before “The Big Game” (not exactly sure what that is, but I’d sure like to have a pep rally before it happens). The whole purpose of pep rallies lies within the name itself – Pep rallies. They are supposed to get students excited and eager to attend sporting events. Instead, we have a weird day each semester where grade levels compete against each other and upperclassmen tell the freshman to sit down and we all cheer but we’re not really sure why because it’s not like there’s some big sporting event going on.

4- There is a lack of graffiti on the bathroom stalls

Not that I would ever encourage the degradation of school property, but have you ever seen a movie where there is not graffiti in the bathroom stalls?

***I’ve heard rumors that there is, in fact, graffiti in the boys’ locker room and bathroom. This has yet to be authenticated.

5- Cliques are relatively undefined

Okay so LOLHS kind of has cliques, but not really. Yes there are people who you could call “jocks,” and it’s probably not that hard to pick out who “the popular kids” are, but the truth is the lines between these social groups are so blurred that I’m really not convinced they exist at all. Student A, who play three varsity sports and dates the quarterback of the football team, may also play the tuba in band and help paint sets for the play. This may be the only quality about our falseness that I actually admire.

6- We don’t have our own football team

Yes, we have a combined team, but it’s not the same. We don’t have a rival school, or a football field behind our school where we can go watch “The Big Game.” Now, I’m not complaining about our Valley-Old Lyme team, I mean, we play exceptionally well. I just wish we had a team (and a field) to call our own.


I am particularly upset by the lack of a physical mascot at our sporting events. We have the costume. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. So why is there no lively, energetic, and hilarious wildcat running around on the sidelines during games??????

8- No one uses their lockers

Passing time isn’t filled with slamming lockers, and kisses behind locker doors, and an entire stack of textbooks plummeting to the ground. What is high school if we don’t use our lockers??? Granted, I also don’t use my locker. Nonetheless, this is something that makes us fake.

9- We can’t leave for lunch

Unlike normal high schools, our “lunch hour” is a mere 25 minutes long. Because of this harsh restriction, students, nor staff, can leave during their lunch time. Think of how incredible it would be to go all the way to Dunkin, Coffees, Big Y, Subway, or other places and get something other than relatively-soggy french fries for lunch.

10- We don’t have a marching band

Marching band! We don’t have a marching band that dresses up in uniform, makes shapes, and parades around on the field during games.

11- Limited Dances

No “Spring Fling,” no “Fall ball,” we don’t even have homecoming king and queen.

12- We have to wear goggles during dodgeball

AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN REAL DODGE BALLS. AND THE GAME ISN’T EVEN CALLED DODGE BALL. They are foam balls that are lighter than the goggles themselves that we are forced to wear during this ridiculous game we call dodge ball- er, wait… Bombardment. 

13- Uh, letterman jackets??

Where are they????? We get varsity letters, we get academic letters. Where would you like me to put them??!!! I’ve heard rumors that the booster club does actually sell them, but I have yet to confirm this given I’ve never actually seen anyone wearing an LOLHS letterman jacket.



Thank you. I hope you understand now that our school is truly, and wholly, fake.

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  • D

    Definitely NatalieFeb 14, 2018 at 4:37 pm

    I graduated from LOLHS under one year ago, and I can tell you you’ve got it on the nose! It’s hardly changed at all, it seems. Except I’m pretty sure they didn’t sell coconut water back in my day. Perhaps this is the beginning of a whole new chapter of unnecessary things the school district buys!

    Glad to see The Osprey’s still kicking. It’s looking fly.


  • C

    Caroline SirnaJan 12, 2018 at 10:40 am

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read my article and respond! This article was absolutely meant to be in jest. However, I do believe that there are many things about Old Lyme that deprive its students of an authentic high school experience (though I would never enlighten a child to these). I’m glad so many people *compliment you on your education, and that you point out to them just how much money has been spent on learning about Leo Tolstoy. I also find it intriguing and awe-inspiring that you often use the phrase “My high school Calculus teacher used to say…” and that people don’t understand you! As for the water bottles, I’m pretty sure they’re still being thrown into a machine. I’m merely sharing that I think it is quite ridiculous that we spend additional money on our own brand of water, even though we already sell two other brands. My dear, we may be fortunate, but one can be both fortunate and fake. Hope you get more time for lunch!

    Thanks again,
    Caroline Sirna
    Co Editor-in-Chief

  • R

    Renee DurantJan 3, 2018 at 11:45 pm

    Is this meant to be a serious article or one in jest? I graduated from LOLHS over thirty years ago. The things you are “complaining” about are things that were true when I was in school. With the exception of the lockers, we all used our lockers because no one carried book bags in those days. And we didn’t have a football team, neither our own, nor with Valley Regional. We didn’t have a swimming team or swimming pool. And you couldn’t buy bottled water at school when I was a student there, your choice was milk or milk. Period. I consider myself fortunate to have gone to school in Old Lyme. When people complement me on how well educated I am, I tell them that a lot of people have spent a lot of money on my education. If one travels to other parts of the country where people are not as fortunate as we are, one will find those graffiti clad bathrooms littered with drug remnants and other things I which I will not enlighten a child to. If one were to compare ones own education from Old Lyme to those of others, one would find that the majority of them do not know who Leo Tolstoy was. When I start a phrase with “My high school Calculus teacher use to say…”, I get a look as if I am speaking a foreign language. I think that it is a nice gesture that the water distributer puts Wildcat labels on the water bottles. Someone is taking he time to make it nice for you. They could just throw a bunch of bottles into a machine. My dear, your school, my old high school, is not fake. It is fortunate. And you are fortunate to get twenty five minuets for lunch, free to eat in peace. At work, I never get twenty five minutes uninterrupted to eat in peace.

    • N

      Not BrennanJan 12, 2018 at 12:26 am

      I think I can help you understand the article.
      Here is the joke: joke

      And here’s your head: your head

      I hope this demonstration gives you some insight into the creative efforts of this osprey piece!

    • T

      Tabatha RubitskiJan 12, 2018 at 9:16 am

      Ms. Durant,

      You are indeed being “jested”. Also, knowing of Leo Tolstoy (aka Count Lev Nikolaevich Tolstoy) is not uncommon. While attending a school in Groton we did an entire unit on his works. Plus, I find Fyodor Dostoevsky’s work to be much more enlightening.