If you are taking an advanced placement course, you are likely under a large amount of stress. This, however, is actually part of the test. Your performance in English, history, statistics, Spanish, or chemistry actually does not matter. You will be given a score from one to five, but this does not correlate to your score on the test. There are going to be more than five questions on the test so there is no reasonable way for your score to be out of a number that the test is not. The score is based off of how many AP trials you successfully navigate. Each trial gets progressively harder and tests your real world skills.

Trial #1: Showing Up

The first step in conquering the AP test is to show up. This is the easiest task, but don’t assume that it won’t try and trick you. There have been years when the AP Gods hired assassins to destroy the alarm clocks of students. Since these students did not prepare an internal clock, they failed this portion. This is the only part of the AP test you need to pass in order to pass the following trials. Without this trial complete, you shall fail.

Trial #2: Being Right-Handed

This may seem easy, but it is actually very tricky to maintain a right-handed status for three full hours. While your teacher may tell you to switch dominant hands between each portion of the test, they are actually misleading you. The test will know whether or not a right hand filled out a specific section. If you find it odd that the test demands that you be right handed for the whole duration, there is a simple explanation. Those who write with their left hands write wrong. This isn’t about grammar or spelling, this is about the act of writing itself. Our bodies were not meant to hold pencils in the left hand. It resulted from years of genetic manipulation. The left hand is such an ungodly creature that the AP gods do not wish to look upon it or any of its creations.

Trial #3: Crush the Rebellion

There is a small group that is vocal against the AP test. These heathens do not believe in the AP gods and want to tear down the fabric of our society. You are charged with infiltrating this group that believes standardized testing is not the only way to measure intelligence and destroy them from the inside. Do not become connected with anyone in there. They might come off as “real people” but they are monsters. No true human would dare act against those that have given us life and possible college credit.

Trial #4: Tell Your Friends to Read Osprey Online!

This is real. I am not making this up. You want to do well on that test? Share this article. AP gods want it that way. This isn’t because we have low readership. We’re just helping you with the test.

Trial #5: Tell Cyndi Lauper’s Children to Call Her

Pop-sensation Cyndi Lauper, singer of “Time After Time” and “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” is actually part of the pantheon of Gods that make up the AP scorers. She is known to be tough when grading unless she is feeling happy. The best way to do this is by convincing her children to call her once in a while. It’s a simple thing, really. It doesn’t take much effort to call your mother. Even you should do it.

There, the five trials of the AP test. Remember, none of this matters except for all of it and why did I spend my time writing this article when I should’ve been studying?